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Trauma Browse our articles below. To explore our full collection of resources on other themes, click here . Abusive relationships Partner abuse is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Read more Explore all resources

Bereavement When someone close to you dies Bereavement is the term used to describe the time of sadness and loneliness experienced after the death of someone you love. Grief refers to the emotions and reactions we have and is a normal and natural response to loss. It takes time and can affect every part of us. The emotional and mental pain that is so intense, will gradually ease, even though you may not feel like it will. Grief can be so powerful, and ebbs and flows like a wave. The thoughts, feelings , and reactions you have can: come and go crash on you all at once blend into each other be brief and intense be hard to describe be scary or numbing and paralysing feel out of control or be delayed and come later. Grief is hard work and can leave you feeling exhausted. It is Ok, not to feel Ok. Everyone is different , your grief is unique to you. There is no wrong or right way to experience grief, grief has no rules or timetable, it will eventually get easier to handle. Take the time and space you need to grieve in your own way. Your loss will always be part of your life and will be triggered every now and then and it may feel like it is one step forward and two backwards. Your grief healing process isn't about fixing it, or making it disappear, it is about assisting you to adjust to all the changes in your life, by helping you to come to terms with it physically, mentally, spiritually, socially, and emotionally. Tips for managing your grief: allow yourself to cry letting it out- getting it out small bursts at a time - talk it, write it, draw it, do it physically by playing a sport connect with friends and family to share memories telling someone you trust what is going on inside you, can be a great release look after yourself - eat well, drink water, exercise, get enough sleep and be gentle on yourself. You might also be interested in: How to talk to children about death Delayed grief

How to talk to children about death What is the right thing to say, especially at a time when a parent is often going through their own grief? Whether it is a close family member who has died or someone they don't personally know, like a famous person - children experience death and parents will be asked about it. But what is the right thing to say, especially at a time when a parent is often going through their own grief? Many parents worry about getting it wrong, but honest answers, concrete terminology and empathy go a long way, 'We don't want them trying to figure it out for themselves.' Benjamin Jensen is a grief counsellor at Skylight - Listen to his interview as he discusses how to talk to children about death with Kathryn Ryan on Radio NZ. You might also be interested in: Bereavement Parenting Delayed grief

Anxiety Anxiety is a natural part of how our body prepares for challenges, but when it becomes overwhelming or constant, it can impact daily life and wellbeing. Anxiety is a natural, though often uncomfortable, feeling of worry, nervousness, or fear when we face situations we cannot fully control. It is part of our body’s way of helping us prepare for challenges. Before a stressful event, like an exam, a job interview, or meeting new people, you might notice your heart beating faster, your breathing quickening, and your mind racing. This is your body getting ready to respond to what it perceives as a challenge or threat. Sometimes the “threat” is obvious, such as presenting in front of a group of people. Other times, it is more subtle, for example, attending a social gathering might feel like a big test of how you’ll be perceived, bringing on the same physical responses. In the short term, anxiety can affect sleep, appetite, and concentration. Once the situation passes, the anxiety usually fades. The “What If?” Loop Anxiety often comes with a stream of “what if?” thoughts, such as: What if I fail? What if they do not like me? What if something goes wrong? It can be triggered by new experiences such as starting a new school, moving to a different neighbourhood, or even watching a scary movie. This is a normal human response. What is anxiety telling us? Anxiety is important because it is part of our body’s built-in warning and preparation system. At its core, anxiety is trying to communicate: “Something might threaten your safety or wellbeing.” It alerts us to potential danger or challenge, whether physical (a fast-approaching car) or social (a difficult conversation). “You may need to prepare or act.” Anxiety boosts alertness, sharpens focus, and mobilises energy so we can respond more effectively. “Pay attention to this.” It highlights situations, decisions, or uncertainties that matter to us. In a healthy range, anxiety is protective. It helps us avoid harm, prepare for important events, and adapt to change. It becomes unhelpful when the alarm keeps ringing too loudly, too often, or in situations that are not actually dangerous. Then it can stop us from thinking clearly, taking action, or living the life we want. When Anxiety Becomes a Disorder Anxiety becomes a concern when it: Happens without a clear cause Continues long after the trigger is gone Feels out of proportion to the situation Stops someone from doing everyday activities or things they enjoy Anxiety disorders involve intense, overwhelming fear that can be triggered by specific things such as spiders, heights, or dogs, or by more general situations such as public speaking, illness, or loss. Types of Anxiety Disorders Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) : Ongoing worry about many everyday things, with a sense of being unable to control the worry. This constant anxiety often affects sleep, concentration, and overall wellbeing. Social Anxiety: Intense fear of embarrassment or judgment in social situations, leading to avoidance. This can significantly impact relationships, education, and participation in everyday activities. Separation Anxiety : Experiencing intense distress when apart from loved ones, most commonly seen in children separated from parents or caregivers. The reaction is greater than expected for the person’s age and can interfere with daily activities, such as attending school or visiting friends. Phobias: Extreme, irrational fear of a specific object or situation, for example, birds, water, or heights. This fear can lead to avoidance behaviours that interfere with daily life. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Intrusive thoughts, obsessions and/or ritualistic behaviours, or compulsions that causes extreme anxiety. These behaviours are often repeated to reduce distress, even when the person recognises they are excessive. Common Signs and Symptoms Feeling something bad is about to happen Shaking, sweating, dizziness, or vertigo Stomach aches, headaches, or chest pain Feeling out of control and unable to think clearly Avoiding situations or objects that trigger fear Panic Attacks A panic attack is an extreme version of the body’s fear response. Symptoms can include: Rapid heartbeat Shortness of breath Sweating and nausea Dizziness Fear of losing control or dying These episodes usually peak within 10 minutes and fade within about 30 minutes, but can feel exhausting. People often avoid situations linked to past panic attacks. If you experience a panic attack: Stop what you are doing and, if possible, tell someone nearby. Focus on your breathing and try grounding techniques until you feel calmer. If you feel you might harm yourself or others, call 111 immediately . Grounding technique example: Look around you, while you breathe as calmly as you can, and notice: 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell , and 1 thing you can taste. Repeat if needed. How to Support Someone Who Is Anxious Anxiety is not broken; it is a protection system that has become overactive. Acknowledge and validate what they are feeling rather than dismissing it. Face it together. Offer reassurance and stay calm, rather than trying to “rescue” or minimise their feelings. Teach coping skills in calm moments. Breathing and grounding techniques work best when introduced before anxiety strikes. Your calm matters. A steady, supportive presence helps them feel safe enough to practise courage. Getting Help Anxiety disorders can often be treated effectively with therapy, lifestyle changes, relaxation techniques, and in some cases, medication. If you or someone you know is experiencing persistent or severe anxiety, reach out to a GP, counsellor, or mental health professional for support. Useful links: Anxiety In Children | KidsHealth New Zealand's Trusted Voice On Children's Health Anxiety In Children | School Age | Kidspot NZ Anxiety | Mental Health Foundation Dealing with Anxiety in Children & Teens - Hey Sigmund Obsessive compulsive disorder | Mental Health Foundation Listening to Families You might also be interested in: If you are feeling suicidal Family Break-up Parenting Moving House? Helping your kids and teens through it.

Loss of job Losing your job, for any reason, can be as stressful as losing a loved one. Here you can find different ideas to get you through this challenging time. Having a job is, for most people, more than just being able to provide for ourselves and our families. It is a key part of our identity. It is where we usually spend most of our time and it has a unique meaning for each person. A job is also the way in which we contribute to our community and wider society. Our employment is a big part of our self-image and being satisfied with it, has a great impact on our self-esteem and well being. It is safe to say that losing our job is overwhelming and challenging, in a way similar to a relationship breakdown, or an illness. I have lost my job: is it ok to feel like this? No one wishes to be unemployed – unless it is our decision, in which case we would call it a “sabbatical” - but sometimes we have to go through this situation, without expecting it. As with any loss, when we lose our jobs we may feel: Strong waves of feelings: anger, sadness, anxiety, fear Like your goals and/or plans are being frustrated Stress and depression symptoms Changes in our body: increased blood pressure, cholesterol, weight gain or loss, sleep disorders Lack or purpose: we have no place to go every day, it breaks our routine Lonely or socially disconnected: our work environment is a source of support and connection to others. Why is it so different for some people? Grieving after any loss differs from person to person. How big the impact of losing our job would be for us, will depend on different factors. For example: Our support network: Who do we have around us that could help? Our self-esteem: People with a healthy self-esteem and who value themselves beyond their occupation, may feel more in control and may bounce back faster The moment in our life: Are we young and living with our parents? Are we young and living by ourselves? Are we in a relationship with no children, with young children, with older children? Single, but have children or family to support? Are we of a mature age with savings? etc. Each of these situations will present a different challenge for us. What kind of job was it? First job, temporary job, part time and do we have other jobs as well? How satisfied were we with the job? Do we have savings or other sources of income to depend on? What can we do? In any of those cases, it might be useful to come up with a plan to help you build resilience and regain control over the situation. Here are some useful tips: If you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, look for a mental health professional who can help you deal with your feelings. Talking to someone can be useful Maintain a routine: Get up at a certain time every day, exercise Accept support from friends and family: It doesn’t need to be money, you will be surprised how incredibly useful is to have someone to take the children to the playground, or preparing a meal for the family, or offering to walk your dog. Having help with the little routine tasks will give you time to focus and plan for your next steps Work with someone – A Counsellor, a therapist - this can help you identify your skills that can be useful in a new field, so you can expand your job search Network with professionals in your area: online tools and websites such as Linkedin are useful for this Spend time meeting new people: Taking up volunteer work or joining a community group will help Make a financial plan and prioritise: Be realistic and stick to your budget, and organise your income to include a small amount of “leisure pocket money”. Remember this situation will be temporary, but you need to be money-wise at the same time as being optimistic. Glass half-full Remember you have the option to see the positive in every challenge. For example, during the time between jobs you can: Spend more time with whānau and friends Learn new skills – even up-skill in your field, increasing your chances in the job search See the opportunity to evaluate your life and re-focus Be open to change: you will emerge a different person after this experience Start a savings plan, if you don’t have one. Resources and Support This experience, although it can be distressful and challenging, is not unusual. You are not alone, there are different organisations you can connect with that can support you in different ways: Skylight Counselling and Resources: Support for you and/or your family while you go through the process of leaving your job, being unemployed and finding another job. Citizen Advice Bureau : A free service that helps people know and understand their rights and obligations and how to use the information to get the best outcomes and gives them the confidence and support they need to take action. Work and Income : Access to different benefits you can apply for while looking for another job. New Zealand Now : Once you have full residency, you and your family can access the reassurance of the public welfare system that provides comprehensive support in a range of situations. You might also be interested in: Delayed grief

Relationships Browse our articles below. To explore our full collection of resources on other themes, click here . Parenting Parenting is one of the most rewarding, challenging, joyous and frustrating experiences that we can have. Read more Explore all resources

Parenting Parenting is one of the most rewarding, challenging, joyous and frustrating experiences that we can have. Whatever age or stage your child is at, communication is key, and good communication is paramount. This is especially true with teenagers and young adults. Many people say there is a lot more conflict between parents and their children once they reach the teenage years and into young adulthood. Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, but conflict can increase during times of change. As children grow into young adults, there is a lot of change both physically and emotionally/mentally. It can be hard to find a new way of communicating with the young adult that was once your child. Tips on how to communicate with your teenager/young adult: praise and encourage your teen - read more about the importance of Encouragement tell them you love them be honest with them don't yell at them let them form their own opinions help them solve their problems, but don't do it for them keep talking to them let them know that they are enough timing - pick your moment to tackle an issue with them be mindful of your body language be willing to understand the situation before acting learn the art of self control encourage appropriate expressions of anger be willing to be disliked sometimes - you can't always be their best friend. Listening and talking is the key to a healthy connection between you and your children. But parenting is hard work and maintaining a good connection with teens can be challenging, especially since parents are dealing with many other pressures. It is really important to look after yourself as well, you can't possibly expect to be a great parent if you are running on empty all the time. Being a teenager today is hard - the introduction of social media and the expectations that we place on ourselves makes growing up harder than ever. If you are having problems over an extended period of time, you might want to consider consulting with a professional to find out how they can help. Counselling for your teen and yourself may help to open communications channels again. You might also be interested in: How to talk to children about death Anxiety Family Break-up Moving House? Helping your kids and teens through it.

Delayed grief The natural grief process helps us adjust to loss. Delayed grief means the grief process hasn’t started or is stuck. This can be for a variety of reasons. Grief doesn't follow a straight line. Everyone’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint and lots of things influence how a person grieves. After a loss, some people can go through a time when the natural grief process hasn’t started for them. Or it started, but then stalled. Grief reactions can be delayed for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years. Factors that delay grief, can include: Putting it off because of pressing matters that need attention, such as supporting others (including grieving children/teens), taking care of a practical family situation, or keeping routines going Experiencing ongoing severe shock, so the person cannot take in the fact, that a loss has happened. Experiencing denial (a common early reaction), which becomes ongoing, with a person actively refusing to accept or address their loss When the unhelpful expectations and words of others, let a person know they should ‘be strong’, ‘pull themselves together,’ or ‘move on’. This can cause a person to internally shut down their grief processing When someone avoids the pain of the loss by pushing it away, or down, so it won’t intrude on their life. They often ‘keep busy’ and distracted to avoid focusing on their loss. Denying or suppressing grief reactions, can be intentional and conscious, or subconscious. Either way, it is a self-protective measure in the face of a debilitating and frightening loss. We all manage the impact of grief the best way we can. The challenge is, however, that when grief is delayed, physical health and mental health issues can sometimes emerge. For example, migraines, stomach upsets, eating problems, sleeping problems, illnesses, high levels of anxiety, intense unexpressed emotions (such as guilt or anger), disruptive outbursts, self-isolation, depression, and even suicidality. This is not surprising, when we realise that the mind and body are holding in the pain of grief and inhibiting its healthy release. It is important to note, however, that sometimes a person may not have delayed grief at all. It may be that a person simply isn’t grieving as expected. because what or who has been lost, hasn’t negatively affected them the way others assumed it would. We are all different. When the grief process has been delayed, it will typically start, or restart, in its own time and often in unexpected, unpredictable ways. It might emerge when someone experiences another loss. For example, the loss of a pet may trigger memories of a relative’s death that wasn’t grieved fully, at the time. It might be triggered by an event or item relating to the loss, such as finding an old photo, hearing music from a funeral, meeting a friend who wants to talk about someone who is not in your life anymore, or going to a place that echoes with memories. The grief might begin when things have become more settled, and a person has more time to think and reflect. Grief takes its own time. It cannot be forced. The good news is, that when delayed grief does end, the grief can still be experienced in normal and healthy ways. A person’s grief may be intense and full on for a while, just as it would have been when the loss first happened. Self-care and stress management strategies, can all be helpful. If it becomes overwhelming or hard to cope with, drawing on support networks, talking to someone trusted, joining a support group, visiting a GP, or seeing a grief counsellor, could all be helpful. If a person’s delayed grief appears to be permanent, or there are concerns about the negative effects it’s having on their well-being or health, professional assistance is indicated. This is true for children and teens, as well as adults. Seeing a GP, a counsellor or a psychologist, could assist a person to understand their delayed grief and gradually explore ways to address the loss and release their grief in helpful, healthy and healing ways. Having someone outside their usual network who can help them to take time to stop, think, and talk about the loss can make a very positive difference. You might also be interested in: How to talk to children about death Loss of job

Ageing As people age, they commonly face many changes and losses. Grieving for these, and adjusting to new circumstances, can be hard. As people age, they commonly face many changes and losses. Grieving for these, and adjusting to new circumstances, can be hard. Aging is a normal stage of life, with many gains and things to enjoy. However, it brings challenges too. We know that older people face gradual physical changes, but the challenges of aging aren’t only physical. Aging involves a succession of changes and losses, big and small, which can be gradual or sudden. Consequently, older people continually need to adjust. It can feel like they have less and less control over how they want things to be. What’s been lost, can be hard to come to terms with. Such losses naturally affect how people see themselves and their lives, as well as their levels of self-confidence, mood and outlook, overall well-being, and sense of future. Common losses include: The end of employed work after retirement or job loss. This can also mean a changed daily routine, not seeing workmates as before, and needing a new sense of purpose. Financial changes . For most, income levels will decrease when work finishes. Financial worries may increase, with limited dollars to fund current and future needs. Changes in one’s physical body and health . Health challenges typically increase with age. As the physical body ages, people commonly begin to encounter changes in abilities such as eyesight, hearing, balance, continence, or mobility. Loss of memory . It becomes harder to remember things, even if the information is important. This can be very frustrating. Dementia can complicate this further. Loss of independence . A new reliance on others to assist with daily life, and not always being able to do what they want, when they want, how they want. People may need to stop driving. They may need others for the most personal care and hygiene routines. Loss of familiar surroundings. People might need to move away from a home they have lived in for a long time, or from one they do not want to leave. They may also need to give away personal possessions they’re unable to keep. Loss of friends and family . There can be changes in the circle of friends and family. Others may now live at a distance and visit less, or older friends may become ill themselves and unable to keep in touch, and perhaps loved ones may die. Also, older people can become socially isolated if they are less able to join in with life as before. Loss of respect . After years of contributing to family, whānau, and community, as well as being employers or employees, older people can feel side-lined, without status, and less respected. What can help? People respond in individual ways to life challenges. To be in a good position to deal with whatever comes with aging, it can help to: draw on your internal resilience (what attitudes and coping strategies have worked well for you before?) be willing to try new ways of doing things and problem-solve as positively as possible honestly acknowledge challenges and losses, so they can be faced make time to grieve losses in your own way – grief is a normal healing process that can help you gradually adjust to changes communicate how you’re thinking and feeling, and what you’re needing – find someone you trust to talk to when things feel hard or overwhelming, such as your GP, a good friend, a caregiver, a Counsellor, or perhaps call a helpline express and release what’s building up inside (e.g. talk, cry, share memory stories, write down troubling thoughts and feelings, or play music that reflects your mood, walk it out) look after yourself well every day, paying attention to getting some exercise, good rest, and having a nutritious diet keep connected with others – make time to be social and keep in touch with friends and family often use your sense of humour and spend time with those who laugh and have fun do enjoyable things and go to enjoyable places that lift your spirit ask a friend to support you at events or appointments that are stressful for you use your abilities and strengths, whatever age you are, to contribute to things and give you a sense of achievement do things that are meaningful for you or have a sense of purpose find some ways to support others who are finding things challenging too remember the good things life has taught you and brought you ask for help when you need it see a GP about any health or mental health concerns. You might also be interested in: How to build resilience Delayed grief

Donate to Skylight—support tamariki, rangatahi & whānau in Aotearoa. Your gift builds resilience, funds counselling & brings hope to those facing loss Donate to us Your support will help Skylight to continue building resilient children, young people, whānau and communities across Aotearoa. Help us bring light to difficult times Please donate today to help us ensure that no one has to feel alone facing grief, loss or trauma, no matter the reason. Your donation will go directly toward: Free and subsidised counselling for tamariki and rangatahi Tailored resources for whānau navigating tough times Programmes that build resilience and restore hope Donate via the form below or give us a call and we can take your card details over the phone and send you a receipt. You can also donate via Skylight's Give-a-Little Page - money raised goes directly into the Flashlight Fund. This fund pays for counselling for tamariki and rangatahi whose whānau cannot afford this cost. You can claim your donation as a tax credit via Inland Revenue via myIR - there is no need to complete a paper form. Read more on the IRD website . Donate today Every donation helps someone find support, hope, and resilience. Frequency One time One time Monthly Monthly Yearly Yearly Amount $20 $20 $60 $60 $130 $130 Other Other Donate $20

Matika An eight week programme to support tamariki through loss and grief. About Matika Matika is a supportive, therapeutic programme created especially for tamariki aged 6–12 who have experienced the death of a loved one. Designed with a resilience-building and trauma-informed approach, Matika helps tamariki understand, express, and process their grief in a safe, nurturing environment. Matika is an eight-week programme, run once a week during the school term. Each session blends therapeutic and psychoeducational activities, using art, play, discussion, and connection to help tamariki make sense of their loss and find healthy ways to move forward. The programme is closed-group, meaning the same small group of children attend each week — allowing for deep trust, safety, and individualised attention. We welcome up to nine children per programme to ensure each child receives the care and support they need. Tamariki can be referred by a counsellor, school, GP, or self-referred by their whānau. How Matika Works Each session is co-facilitated by two trained, experienced counsellors (our Matika buddies), with support from an intern counsellor or psychology graduate. Activities are designed to: Encourage expression through creative play and art Teach tamariki to name and understand their feelings Build emotional awareness and regulation skills Foster a sense of connection and belonging Help tamariki discover their inner strengths and resilience After completing the eight-week programme, tamariki will: Understand how grief and loss happen differently to each person, but they are experienced by all. Feel connected to their loved ones who have passed. Be able to identify their feelings and emotions, validating them and expressing them in a healthy way. Have a range of practical ideas for managing difficult feelings. Be able to tap into their internal or external resources when experiencing challenging times. Be able to ask for help or support from their whānau Build stronger bonds with whānau and others who support them Upcoming dates Term 4 2025: Wellington Term 1 2026: Lower Hutt Term 2 2026: Wellington Term 3 2026: Porirua Term 4 2026: Kapiti Contact us today to learn more or register your interest ([email protected] ). We are here to help. You might also be interested in: Travellers Tai-oranga Matika Pathfinders Heart Song Awhi Mai Awhi Atu Parenting Through Separation

Request a support pack We can provide support packs for specific situations – just ask us for what you need. You can request a support pack by: completing the contact us form at the bottom of this page, including a brief description of the situation you would like some support for, or phoning us on 0800 299 100, 9am – 4.30pm, Monday to Friday. All information you provide will be kept confidential. Please add the ages of any children or teens impacted by the event. If it is a bereavement, please give us the relationship of the person who has died, to any child/children. If we need any extra details we will contact you. You might also be interested in: Guide for young people Guide for schools Guide for parents and carers Other organisations that can help Contact us