Friendship During Grief

Let's Talk about it -

It's important to hold space for people in their grief. It may be difficult to know how to do this. We can be afraid to say or do the wrong thing and make things worse or feel like nothing we do or say will help. Don't be discouraged - being there for someone is the most helpful thing you can do.

Grief is a natural response to loss. These feelings cannot be 'fixed', but supporting someone helps them on their grief journey.

Small gestures, sending cards or flowers, delivering a meal, helping with laundry, shopping, or other household tasks. Even organising time to socialise with them may bring comfort to the bereaved.

Here are some tips

1. Name names.  Don’t be afraid to mention the name of the deceased. It won’t make your friend any sadder, although it may prompt tears. Saying how much you will miss the person is much better that the perfunctory, “I’m sorry for your loss”

2. Ask questions. If we ask someone after a loss "How are you?" the answer is likely to be, “not good” or they may minimise how they are doing (as many people do when asked this question). Instead more open questions can convey that you care and help the help the grieving person reflect. Questions like, "What has today been like for you?' or "What have been thinking about?" can be more helpful.

3. Offer reassurance.  People who are grieving often need reassurance when things are so hard. they may worry that they are not grieving correctly or that these feelings will last forever. We can let them know that everyone grieves differently and over different periods of time. There is no wrong way to grieve, and they can get through this. hope who helped them make progress. A good thing to say may be something like, “You will grieve for as long as you need to, but you are a strong person and will find your way through this.”

4. Listen well instead of advising. A sympathetic ear is a wonderful thing. Often people work through grief by telling their story over and over. Unless you are asked for advice don’t be quick to offer it. It is your empathy that is most needed.

Common Grief Responses

• Denial, shock disbelief

• Questioning

• Loss of appetite or increased appetite

• Difficulty sleeping

• Sadness or feeling depressed

• Helplessness, being in limbo

• Bodily distress (headaches, stomach upsets, chest pains)

• Preoccupation with the deceased

• Confusion, difficulty making decisions

• Anxiety, panic, overwhelm

• Guilt, resentment, despair, bitterness

• Anger (at yourself and others)

Skylight specialises in grief and loss support for tamariki and rangatahi aged 5 - 24 years. If you or someone you know is facing tough times Skylight can offer support through counselling and/or referral to other organisations. Helpful publications are available via our online shop or email a short narrative of the situation to our resource centre.

Skylight's programme for tamariki Matika is available in the Wellington region. The programme was created especially for tamariki aged 6–12 who have experienced the death of a loved one.

Listen again to one of our counsellors being interviewed on Radio New Zealand on How to talk to children about death 

Heart Song is a facilitated group in the Wellington region for parents who have experienced the death of a child, no matter how old that child was, and whether this has happened recently or a long time ago. The death of a child is a unique loss which changes the lives of their parents forever.