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If you are feeling suicidal Are you finding yourself thinking about suicide? If you are concerned about your immediate safety or the safety of someone else – Ring 111 Why do I feel like this? We all experience life in different ways, how things effect us will depend on a variety of factors such as your age, support network, emotional resilience . Some of the most difficult experiences can be: experiencing bereavement loss major life stresses (e.g. a relationship breakdown, legal or financial problems) being abused (physical, emotional or sexual) being bullied or excluded chronic pain and chronic illness (including mental illness ) unemployment alcohol and drug use. It might be that you are experiencing a combination of the above in your life that is leading you to feel overwhelmed and distressed. You might be feeling so troubled that you are unable to sleep, eat, or enjoy anything. When you are in a place where you don't think you can keep going on, your thoughts might involve wishing you were dead or you may be thinking about ending your life. You might think that your family and friends would be better off without you. You may be feeling overwhelmed by situations in your life leading to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Although you may be feeling painfully alone right now, it is important for you to know that other people have been there and have had thoughts about ending their lives too. If you think that you are at immediate risk of taking your life: call 111 and request an ambulance. Stay on the line, speak clearly, and be ready to answer the operator’s questions visit you local hospital’s emergency department call your local Public Emergency Mental Health Service or go straight to your doctor. Each of these emergency services teams are specially trained to support people in crisis, including people feeling suicidal, and are able to keep you safe. Useful Resources Connecting Through Kōrero After a suicide | After a suicide Online fact sheets are available for download on the Mental Health Foundation website . What do I do next? There are a number of services and professionals available to help you through this difficult time. There are also things you can do, to help yourself when you’re feeling distressed or overwhelmed and thinking about hurting yourself or ending your life. It is important to remember, that you are still in control of your body and your actions. With the right steps at the right time, these thoughts can, and do, go away, even if they are really full on. If you are contemplating suicide but are not thinking about harming yourself immediately, tell someone how you are feeling, even if it is hard. Talk to a close friend, whānau member, teacher or school counsellor, anyone you can trust. Call the suicide support phone lines or make an appointment with your GP/Counsellor/Mental Health Professional. It can be helpful to have a plan in place for when these thoughts come on. Samaritans - offers confidential, non religious, and non judgmental support, to anyone who may be feeling depressed lonely or even contemplating suicide. They are available 24 hours a day. Contact number 0800 726 666 Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP) Lifeline Aotearoa’s helpline and text line provides 24/7, confidential support from qualified Counsellors and trained volunteers. Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) helpline for any person who is thinking about or attempted suicide, concerned about or supporting someone else or who is recently bereaved by suicide . Need to Talk 1737 - free call or text at any time, for support from a trained Counsellor. Remember suicidal thoughts will not go away by themselves, take them and yourself seriously. With the right support you will feel better. You might also be interested in: Anxiety Suicide and rainbow communities How to build resilience Loss of health Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Loss of a pet For many people a pet is a beloved member of the family and when they die it is a significant loss. Loss of a pet — Skylight Trust For many people a pet is a beloved member of the family and when they die it is a significant loss. They could be a cat, dog, bunny, fish, or guinea pig – but we love our pets. They enrich our lives, are close companions, and in some cases, they have been with us our whole life. Whether it was from old age, illness or an accident, our pets will die eventually. When this moment comes, it is natural and expected to feel grief and sadness . In some cases, this grief can be like what we would feel if a close friend passes. When we lose a pet, our feelings can be very complicated. We may feel sadness, but we may feel other things too, such as anger, guilt, fear or one of the other responses to loss. Reactions are going to be different for each person in the family, but this loss can be particularly distressing for children - as they are likely, to have grown with their pet - or when the pet had a companionship role for someone in the family, (when they live with a mature couple after their children have moved, or when a person lives only with their pet). We may also experience sadness and anger if people don't seem to understand our loss, or they say things like, "But it's only a pet, why don't you get a new one?". We may feel guilt, like you could have done something differently, or you could have spent more time with your pet. Whatever you are feeling, it's OK to grieve the loss of your pet. Some ideas for helping you and your family to cope with the loss of your beloved pet are: Holding a ceremony such as a funeral or memorial service, can help create some closure, as it is a marker of the passing of a life of a beloved member of the family. Children can participate by decorating the burial box and you can put things inside that your pet liked or things that were important for them (like their blanket or favourite toy) Write a letter or a poem to your pet (children can make a drawing), telling them what they meant in your life. You could either read it at the memorial service or put it in the burial box for them If you are making arrangements for your pet's passing (because of their old age or a terminal illness), you can have the family present, so they can say goodbye. You can plan for them to have the best last day, full of love and treats and surrounded by family, before they pass Take some time-off as a family, to share stories and memories of your pet. This could also happen at the memorial and afterwards you could also light a candle or sing or pray Invite your children to create a memory book or board, with photos and drawings to keep as part of the family photo albums In the burial place, you could either plant a tree, a plant with beautiful flowers or put a special mark or rock, so you can remember where it is and where you and your children can visit, if you wish If you wish you could share your pet's history and photo on a pet's internet memorial website In some areas, there will be pet cemeteries and pet cremation facilities. Your local veterinary staff and funeral directors may have ideas for burial sites. How to support your children after their pet has passed? It is expected that your child may be upset with the loss of their pet, the grieving process is going to be different in each case. Some ideas for you to support them are: Explain in an age-appropriate way what happened or has to happen (in the cases when you know your pet will pass). In some cases, an experience like this will be their first experience with death, so telling them it is OK to cry or to feel sad would be helpful, as they may not understand what they are feeling Respect their timing. If you are making arrangements for your pet to pass away, you child may not want to participate or be present. Encourage them to write them a letter or make a drawing that you can offer to share or leave with the pet (if it's private) or ask them how they would wish to say goodbye, if they want to Pay attention to the days after. Children may seem quieter or withdrawn for a while. Invite them to spend time with you, so you could talk about what they are feeling, ask them what they would like to do that would make them feel better, and if possible and appropriate, do it. If at any point you have concerns about your child or someone in your family, please seek support from a mental health practitioner. You could also explore the other topics in the section for more information and ideas or contact the Resource Centre to request a support information pack. Useful links: Pet Loss Support - Pet Loss Help Coping with the loss of a pet | American Veterinary Medical Association The Stages of Grief - Dealing with Grief - Pet Grief Recovery Pet Farewells | Compassionate | pet cremation Pet Cremation NZ // Pet & Equine Burials >> Animal Cremation You might also be interested in: Bereavement at different ages and stages Bereavement Delayed grief Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Bereavement When someone close to you dies Bereavement is the term used to describe the time of sadness and loneliness experienced after the death of someone you love. Grief refers to the emotions and reactions we have and is a normal and natural response to loss. It takes time and can affect every part of us. The emotional and mental pain that is so intense, will gradually ease, even though you may not feel like it will. Grief can be so powerful, and ebbs and flows like a wave. The thoughts, feelings , and reactions you have can: come and go crash on you all at once blend into each other be brief and intense be hard to describe be scary or numbing and paralysing feel out of control or be delayed and come later. Grief is hard work and can leave you feeling exhausted. It is Ok, not to feel Ok. Everyone is different , your grief is unique to you. There is no wrong or right way to experience grief, grief has no rules or timetable, it will eventually get easier to handle. Take the time and space you need to grieve in your own way. Your loss will always be part of your life and will be triggered every now and then and it may feel like it is one step forward and two backwards. Your grief healing process isn't about fixing it, or making it disappear, it is about assisting you to adjust to all the changes in your life, by helping you to come to terms with it physically, mentally, spiritually, socially, and emotionally. Tips for managing your grief: allow yourself to cry letting it out- getting it out small bursts at a time - talk it, write it, draw it, do it physically by playing a sport connect with friends and family to share memories telling someone you trust what is going on inside you, can be a great release look after yourself - eat well, drink water, exercise, get enough sleep and be gentle on yourself. You might also be interested in: Bereavement at different ages and stages Depression How to talk to children about death Delayed grief Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Family break-up When a break up happens in the family, it can be hard on everyone, especially when there are children involved. When a family breaks up, everyone is affected. It is important to look for support for yourself and your children and teens. This can come from friends, family and whānau. It will take some adjustment to go from being a live-in family unit, to living separately, getting on as separated parents and working out mutually agreed child-care arrangements. Being partners in parenting will greatly benefit everyone involved. How parents manage a separation or divorce and how they deal with any conflicts during this time, has a big impact on how the family copes. Family break up also brings uncertainty about the future. Children and young people need the love and support from both parents, as they come to terms with the changes. They need to feel protected, safe and looked after. It is never easy making the changes to a new family routine, and sometimes it even involves moving to a new location. It can take time, and children and young people will need your support and encouragement to get used to their new life. Skylight is contracted by the Ministry of Justice to deliver the Parenting through Separation course in the Wellington region. The four hour course is run by experienced facilitators and provides a confidential space to share, learn, and feel supported — whether you are early in the separation journey or have been navigating it for a while. Link here to see the upcoming schedule. The course offers : A safe, supportive small group setting Guidance on co-parenting effectively with your ex-partner or co-carer Tools to create a workable parenting plan Insights into the Family Justice System and how to navigate it Practical resources and take-home materials A chance to connect with others in similar situations Visit the shop for publications. You might also be interested in: Anxiety How to build resilience Parenting Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Abusive relationships Partner abuse is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. What is partner abuse? Partner abuse can take different forms, and could be physical, emotional or sexual. Some signs of partner abuse are when your partner: controls the finances doesn't allow you to do things like get a job stops you seeing family, whānau and friends uses insults - like calling you lazy, fat, or stupid, or other names that make you feel bad is very jealous threatens to leave, kill, or hurt you or the children threatens or hurts family, whānau pets slaps, hits, punches, chokes, pushes, burns you or the children hurts or threatens you or the children with weapons or objects forces you into sexual acts you don't want destroys property takes away the car keys. Partner abuse is a sign of an unhealthy relationship . In an unhealthy relationship there is: lack of trust and openness one person has power over the other one person is physically, sexually and/or emotionally hurtful to the other. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship please see the organisations listed which may be able to help you. Skylight can provide counselling support to you and children or please contact the resource centre for further information. You might also be interested in: Bullying Trauma If you are feeling suicidal How to build resilience Delayed grief Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Delayed grief The natural grief process helps us adjust to loss. Delayed grief means the grief process hasn’t started or is stuck. This can be for a variety of reasons. Grief doesn't follow a straight line. Everyone’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint and lots of things influence how a person grieves. After a loss, some people can go through a time when the natural grief process hasn’t started for them. Or it started, but then stalled. Grief reactions can be delayed for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years. Factors that delay grief, can include: Putting it off because of pressing matters that need attention, such as supporting others (including grieving children/teens), taking care of a practical family situation, or keeping routines going Experiencing ongoing severe shock, so the person cannot take in the fact, that a loss has happened. Experiencing denial (a common early reaction), which becomes ongoing, with a person actively refusing to accept or address their loss When the unhelpful expectations and words of others, let a person know they should ‘be strong’, ‘pull themselves together,’ or ‘move on’. This can cause a person to internally shut down their grief processing When someone avoids the pain of the loss by pushing it away, or down, so it won’t intrude on their life. They often ‘keep busy’ and distracted to avoid focusing on their loss. Denying or suppressing grief reactions, can be intentional and conscious, or subconscious. Either way, it is a self-protective measure in the face of a debilitating and frightening loss. We all manage the impact of grief the best way we can. The challenge is, however, that when grief is delayed, physical health and mental health issues can sometimes emerge. For example, migraines, stomach upsets, eating problems, sleeping problems, illnesses, high levels of anxiety, intense unexpressed emotions (such as guilt or anger), disruptive outbursts, self-isolation, depression, and even suicidality. This is not surprising, when we realise that the mind and body are holding in the pain of grief and inhibiting its healthy release. It is important to note, however, that sometimes a person may not have delayed grief at all. It may be that a person simply isn’t grieving as expected. because what or who has been lost, hasn’t negatively affected them the way others assumed it would. We are all different. When the grief process has been delayed, it will typically start, or restart, in its own time and often in unexpected, unpredictable ways. It might emerge when someone experiences another loss. For example, the loss of a pet may trigger memories of a relative’s death that wasn’t grieved fully, at the time. It might be triggered by an event or item relating to the loss, such as finding an old photo, hearing music from a funeral, meeting a friend who wants to talk about someone who is not in your life anymore, or going to a place that echoes with memories. The grief might begin when things have become more settled, and a person has more time to think and reflect. Grief takes its own time. It cannot be forced. The good news is, that when delayed grief does end, the grief can still be experienced in normal and healthy ways. A person’s grief may be intense and full on for a while, just as it would have been when the loss first happened. Self-care and stress management strategies, can all be helpful. If it becomes overwhelming or hard to cope with, drawing on support networks, talking to someone trusted, joining a support group, visiting a GP, or seeing a grief counsellor, could all be helpful. If a person’s delayed grief appears to be permanent, or there are concerns about the negative effects it’s having on their well-being or health, professional assistance is indicated. This is true for children and teens, as well as adults. Seeing a GP, a counsellor or a psychologist, could assist a person to understand their delayed grief and gradually explore ways to address the loss and release their grief in helpful, healthy and healing ways. Having someone outside their usual network who can help them to take time to stop, think, and talk about the loss can make a very positive difference. You might also be interested in: Bereavement at different ages and stages How to talk to children about death Loss of job Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Maria Mitimeti Trustee About me "As a mum I’m profoundly connected to the work that Skylight does. Grief and loss can be crippling. While from a cultural perspective grieving is done as a collective, and there are structures in place, we all need help to navigate the individual part of grief and loss. And we must remove the stigma around asking for help, especially for kids. I gravitated towards Skylight because I wanted to make a contribution to a better future for tamariki and rangatahi. I want to help our kids navigate the challenging times in their lives so they can continue to thrive." Maria is a leader with extensive public service experience – both at the Board level and as an Executive. A passionate advocate for better outcomes for Pasifika, Maria connected deeply with the kaupapa of Skylight. She sees an opportunity for Skylight to be innovative and lead. Next Previous

Heart Song A bereaved parents' support group in Wellington. Heart Song is a facilitated group in the Wellington region for parents who have experienced the death of a child, no matter how old that child was, and whether this has happened recently or a long time ago. The death of a child is a unique loss which changes the lives of their parents forever. This support group was started by bereaved parents so that those who have experienced this agonising loss can know that they are not alone. The group offers understanding, friendship, hope and a place to talk about your child and your loss. Helpful information and ideas for dealing with grief and everyday situations are often discussed. Everyone is most welcome. 2026 meeting dates: 10 December 2025 11 February 2026 11 March 08 April 13 May 10 June 08 July 12 August 09 September 14 October 11 November 09 December Where and what time Skylight Trust office: Level 3 39 Webb Street Te Aro Wellington From 7.15 p.m. for coffee, meeting from 7.30 p.m. - 9 p.m. [email protected] You might also be interested in: Parenting Through Separation

Loss of health One of the biggest challenges of any illness or disability is coping with the changes, losses, and grief that they can bring with them. One of the biggest challenges of any illness or disability is coping with the changes, losses and grief that they can bring with them. What can help? A loss of health, mental health, and/or physical abilities may be gradual or sudden. What might happen next is often very uncertain. An unwell person must adjust to both physical changes and their consequences. Everyday life can become quite different. There can be all kinds of losses to adjust to. A person may lose: their old self – how they used to be (identity) their sense of control over their body or mind independence the ability to keep up regular, everyday routines, to do familiar tasks, or be in usual roles mobility the ability to drive employment and previous income, career plans opportunities to do things they’d anticipated or planned – their dreams ready access to friends, family, whānau and community previously enjoyed confidence – in themselves, in the future self-esteem privacy and dignity familiar surroundings, if a move from home is needed The grief that naturally follows such significant and life-altering losses, can take considerable time to process. Grief can start at diagnosis, but with daily reminders and frustrations about what’s been lost, or with new health issues arising or crises happening, people can feel they are in a continuous cycle of loss and grief. Despite this, sometimes their grief can go unrecognised or unacknowledged by others, who don’t realise the huge impact that a change in health can have. What can help? Any kind of loss needs acknowledging and grieving. Make time to grieve honestly for what has changed and been lost. Do it in your way. Grief is a process that helps people adjust gradually to what’s happened. There will be good days and not so good days. Be kind to yourself Express yourself. Maybe write thoughts and feelings down, use music, have conversations, get creative, cry, yell… everyone is different, but grief can bring strong, deep feelings and releasing them can be a relief Talking can help. Find someone trusted to talk to about what you’re dealing with. Perhaps a close family member or friend, a Counsellor, a doctor or health support worker, or others who have 'been there’ and know what it’s really like Use whatever stress-busting activities that have helped before, to manage stress and be willing to try some new ideas Ask for help if you need it and use all the support that’s available Keep connected with others and avoid becoming isolated. Reach out with visits or by phone, email, messaging, video chat, or even letters Your outlook matters. A positive attitude can help you look for solutions and give things a go Gratitude can help you notice the good things, in the middle of big challenges Optimism can help you find some hope Use your sense of humour and spend time with those who like to laugh and have fun Give yourself a break. Distract yourself sometimes with things you still enjoy doing Keep up routines if that helps you feel more settled Look after yourself well, every day. Get the basics right, like exercise, good sleep, and regular meals Find some extra support if you are struggling with depression or dark thoughts. You don’t need to go through this on your own. Connect with a doctor, Counsellor, support person, support group, or a helpline. You might also be interested in: Depression How to build resilience Ageing Delayed grief Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Te Ataahia Hurihanganui Pou Ārahi | Cultural Advisor About me Iwi: Rangitāne, Ngāti Hāmua, Ngāti Kahungunu-ki-Wairarapa, Ngāti Ira, Ngāti Tahu-Ngāti Whāoa, Tūhourangi-Ngāti Wāhiao, Ngāti Whakaue, Ngāti Te Roro-o-te-Rangi As a Māmā and the Founding Director of Reo Rua Ltd., I’m dedicated to the wellbeing of tamariki, whānau, and communities through mātauranga-based, Tiriti-led practice. With over a decade leading transformative education and learning opportunities, and recent experience working cross-sector as a Cultural Advisor, I’m drawn to Skylight’s commitment to holistic care and aspire to supporting and strengthening its kaupapa however I can. Mauri tū, mauri ora! Next Previous

How to talk to children about death What is the right thing to say, especially at a time when a parent is often going through their own grief? Whether it is a close family member who has died or someone they don't personally know, like a famous person - children experience death and parents will be asked about it. But what is the right thing to say, especially at a time when a parent is often going through their own grief? Many parents worry about getting it wrong, but honest answers, concrete terminology and empathy go a long way, 'We don't want them trying to figure it out for themselves.' Benjamin Jensen is a grief counsellor at Skylight - Listen to his interview as he discusses how to talk to children about death with Kathryn Ryan on Radio NZ. Here is a summary of the conversation below: Kathryn Ryan Today we’re looking at the tricky subject of death, and how parents can talk to their children about it. When someone dies — whether it’s a close family member, a parent or grandparent, or even a famous person the child doesn’t personally know — children will have questions. Parents may also be managing their own grief, so what’s the right thing to say? Benjamin Jensen is a grief counsellor at Skylight Trust, an organisation that helps families dealing with loss. Benjamin, good morning. Benjamin Jensen Kia ora, thank you very much for having me. When children first encounter death Kathryn Ryan For young children who haven’t had a close experience of death, where do you begin? Benjamin Jensen It depends on age. Very young children who aren’t verbal will experience grief physically — stomach pains, crying more, clinginess. What they need is comfort. As they get older and develop language, you can start to explain what’s happening. I always encourage parents to weave in simple, age-appropriate language. Specifically, when talking about death, we recommend using words like death and dying . Euphemisms such as passed away or gone to the other side can be confusing for young children. Understanding death Kathryn Ryan When do children first have a concept of death? Benjamin Jensen It varies. The more exposure they have to the concept, the sooner they may begin to understand it. But many don’t fully grasp the permanence of death until around four to six years old, sometimes later. Even then, they may ask the same questions repeatedly: What is death? How long does someone die for? They’re trying to make sense of it. Kathryn Ryan So if a four- or six-year-old asks, “What is death?”, what’s the best way to answer? Benjamin Jensen Be honest, keep it simple: “Death usually happens when someone is very old or very sick. When that happens, their body stops working and their brain stops working. That means they have died and won’t come back.” If there’s a cultural or spiritual belief in your family, you can build on that, but the basic explanation needs to be clear and concrete. Balancing honesty and comfort Kathryn Ryan Parents sometimes want to soften the blow, saying things like, Nana is looking down on you from heaven. Are you saying children need a clear physiological explanation as well? Benjamin Jensen Yes. It’s fine to share spiritual beliefs, but children also need to understand that death is final, and that the person can’t come back. Otherwise they may misinterpret. If we say someone has gone for a long sleep , children may think they can wake them up, or that the person is choosing not to wake because of something the child did. That can cause guilt or fear. Clear language helps prevent that. First experiences of death Kathryn Ryan Sometimes a child’s first experience of death is a pet dying, or finding a dead animal. Is this often how the concept begins? Benjamin Jensen Yes, absolutely. Or they may see it on the news, or hear about a celebrity who has died. These are opportunities to normalise the conversation. You might say, “This animal was very old or sick, and when that happens, they die.” Some families choose to bury a pet, which helps make sense of the process. When young people die Kathryn Ryan It isn’t always older people who die. How do you talk about that when it’s a child at school, or a young family member? Benjamin Jensen That’s when the conversations become more specific. If someone younger dies of cancer, for example, you can say: “They had a disease, and their body couldn’t fight it anymore, so they died.” Then follow up with reassurance: “That’s why we see doctors, to check we’re healthy. You’re healthy, we’re looking after you, and we’ll keep seeing the doctor to look after ourselves too.” Reassurance and honesty Kathryn Ryan But children might worry if they haven’t been to the doctor that week — Am I going to die? How do you reassure without promising something you can’t? Benjamin Jensen You can explain that sometimes — but not often — people get sick or have accidents. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, we feel sad. Then reassure them: “We don’t expect this to happen to you. You’re healthy, and we’re here to look after you.” As children grow older Kathryn Ryan As children move into primary school and beyond, they may want more information about what caused a death. How do you explain that? Benjamin Jensen From around six onwards, children often want more detail. Take a heart attack, for example. Instead of just saying “heart attack,” which sounds frightening, you could say: “It means something went wrong with their heart, and it stopped working. When the heart stops, the body and brain stop too, and the person dies.” Then you can reassure them by listening to their heartbeat and showing them they’re healthy. Constant reassurance is important. Preparing children for an expected death Kathryn Ryan How do you prepare a child for the death of a beloved grandparent who is very unwell? Benjamin Jensen There’s no perfect timing. Parents often worry about getting it wrong, but as long as you’re being honest and giving clear answers, you’re doing the right thing. You don’t need to over-explain medically — just say what’s happening in simple terms. Kathryn Ryan And again, you’re big on using the word die . Benjamin Jensen Yes. Euphemisms like passed away or lost can create confusion. Children might think the person has gone somewhere else or can be found. Being clear helps them understand and prepares them for what’s happening. Grief and children Kathryn Ryan How do you talk about grief itself with children? Benjamin Jensen Children often move in and out of grief quickly — upset one moment, back to playing the next. They may also show grief through behaviour, like anger or acting out. Grief can sometimes be delayed. What’s important is to validate their feelings: “It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. We’re here if you want to talk.” Don’t tell them what they should feel. Teenagers and grief Kathryn Ryan What should people expect with adolescents? Benjamin Jensen Every teenager is unique, but common patterns include withdrawing or avoiding talking about it because of social stigma. They may worry about sharing grief with peers. They might also experience strong emotions or pull away from family. The best approach is a gentle invitation to talk, without pressure, and to make sure they know where support is available. Should children attend funerals? Kathryn Ryan Is there ever a time when a child is too young to go to a funeral? Benjamin Jensen Not necessarily. It depends on the family and whether they can support the child during the day. I’ve seen two-year-olds at funerals. They may say things like “Granddad is going in the ground,” and that’s okay. Being part of the ritual helps them understand and validates their feelings. If it’s not possible, that’s okay too — but where possible, it’s valuable for children to be included. Supporting parents Kathryn Ryan This must be even harder for parents when they’re grieving themselves. Benjamin Jensen Yes, which is why it’s so important to lean on your support networks — family, friends, community — to help with practical needs. That way, parents can focus on being emotionally present for their children. Neurodiverse children Kathryn Ryan Is the approach different for neurodivergent children? Benjamin Jensen I’m not a specialist in neurodiverse grief, but in general, clear and concrete language is still important. Give them space and time, encourage them to ask clarifying questions, and reassure them. Grief is a natural process. Some children need more support, but humans are generally capable of working through it, especially with care around them. Final thoughts Kathryn Ryan Thank you, Benjamin. Benjamin Jensen Thank you. Skylight Trust has resources and counselling available, and people are welcome to reach out if they’d like support. You might also be interested in: Bereavement at different ages and stages Bereavement Parenting Delayed grief Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Jenny Devine Clinical Advisor | Kaiwhirinaki Haumanu About me Kia ora ko Jenny Devine toku ingoa. I am a registered educational psychologist and the Clinical Advisor for Skylight Trust. While completing my teaching qualification in 2007, I became interested in the needs of students with behaviour and learning challenges. I have since worked in a variety of roles within the education sector including Teacher Aide, Early Childhood and Primary School Teacher, Resource Teacher of Learning and Behaviour (RTLB), and as a Psychologist with the Ministry of Education. I have also worked as a contractor with ACC and in private practice specialising in learning disability assessments. Next Previous