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Help your child navigate grief and change. Get Skylight’s free “Change and Loss” guide with tools, activities, and resources for parents and caregivers. Help your child through grief and loss A free guide for parents and whānau supporting tamariki and rangatahi through grief, loss, and life’s big changes. Get the free guide When life shifts — a family separation, moving schools, the loss of a loved one, or sudden illness — tamariki and rangatahi can feel overwhelmed. As a parent or caregiver, you might wonder: What should I say? How do I help them cope? What if I say the wrong thing? You don’t have to figure it out alone. For over 25 years, Skylight Trust has been supporting whānau through life’s toughest changes. That’s why we created this free eBook: Change and Loss – practical guidance to support your child when life feels uncertain. Download now — it’s free Understand feelings Learn what children need most during grief and change Creative activities 22 ideas to help tamariki express and release emotions Find strength Build resilience, hope, and connection as a whānau What's inside the guide? Tips for talking about difficult topics — gentle ways to start conversations, what words to use (and avoid), and how to answer tricky questions honestly Common reactions in children and teens — from emotional outbursts to withdrawal, and how to respond with patience and aroha Tools for calming anxiety — including deep belly breathing, grounding exercises, and other simple practices that make a real difference Creative activities for support — 22 ideas for helping children express themselves through art, storytelling, movement, and rituals When to seek more support — signs that your child may need extra help from a counsellor or professional This booklet is designed to be practical, easy to use, and something you can return to again and again. I want the free guide About Skylight Skylight Trust is a national not-for-profit that specialises in helping tamariki, rangatahi, and whānau navigate tough times. We provide counselling (in person and online), group programmes, resources, and training for professionals. We believe no one should face grief, loss, or change alone . This guide is just one way we share that support. 24k+ Hours of therapy each year 400+ Families supported per month 130+ Schools running our programmes What support do children need most? Every child responds to change and loss in their own way, but there are some things they almost always need from the adults around them. Here are a few of the essentials: Reassurance – Children need to know they are loved, safe, and not to blame for what has happened. Honesty – Clear, age-appropriate explanations help reduce confusion and fear. Listening ears – Space to share feelings and ask questions without judgement. Routine and stability – Keeping familiar patterns helps children feel grounded when everything else feels uncertain. Patience and understanding – Reactions like anger, tears, or withdrawal are normal. They need time and gentle guidance. The full guide explains these needs in more detail and offers practical tools and language you can use to support tamariki and rangatahi through tough times. Help me support my child Jacob School Counsellor "Through counselling [the child] has been able to acknowledge their fear and connect with joy, family and the other protective elements in life." Glenda Facilitator "Creative activities gave the girls space to express themselves in ways that felt safe and empowering, often opening conversations that may not have happened otherwise." Noel Student "It’s different now. Before I went to Travellers I didn’t really get along with my friends. N ow I speak up to them and I’m not invisible anymore." Practical activities to support your child The Change and Loss guide includes 22 creative activity ideas that parents and whānau can use at home to help tamariki and rangatahi express their feelings and build resilience. These activities are simple, meaningful, and easy to adapt for different ages. Here are a few examples: My Wall of Hearts – Draw or cut out hearts and write the names of people who love and care for your child. Display them on the wall as a daily reminder of support. Make Whānau Handprints – Trace each person’s hand or fingerprint and display them together. A powerful reminder that everyone grieves differently, but you’re all in it together. Storytelling – Share whānau stories, both old and new. Encourage children to add their own tales, helping them see strength and connection through difficult times. Music for Comfort – Help your child create a playlist of songs that soothe or uplift them. Singing and music can sometimes express what words can’t. The full guide contains all 22 activities, along with tips for when and how to use them. Send me the guide Here’s how we’ll support you after you sign up Your free guide, instantly The Change and Loss booklet will arrive straight to your inbox — ready to use whenever you need it. Helpful emails, step by step Over the next few weeks, we’ll send you short, practical emails with tips, stories, and resources to support you and your whānau. Webinars and more resources You’ll also get invitations to free webinars and updates on new tools as they become available. You’re free to unsubscribe any time — but we hope you’ll find value in staying connected with us. Get my free guide Our funders and supporters Support your child — download the free guide We’ll send you the Change and Loss guide straight away, and follow up with more short, helpful emails. You can unsubscribe any time. First name* Email address* Yes, I want the free guide and email support series * Get my free guide By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Di Duncan Finance Officer | Kaitari Pūtea About me Di Duncan, Skylight Finance Officer. I am from the UK but relocated to New Zealand a few years ago. I have had a diverse global background working in both public and private sector. From banking and marketing to education and even as a Coroner's Support Officer. When I’m not crunching numbers, you might find me in the kitchen whipping up a treat for my colleagues or building the rather impressive Lego collection I have. Colleagues would probably say I am up for a challenge (within reason!) and ready with a laugh. Next Previous

Benjamin Jensen Senior Counselling Coordinator | Kaituitui Whakamāherehere Matua About me In my role at Skylight, I am a counselling coordinator/counsellor. My roles have changed over the last four years. Currently my work involves supporting our counsellors in Awhi Mai Whi Atu schools. I enjoy the various opportunities to support tamariki, rangatahi and their whānau through our programmes, counselling and offering resources. Empowering people to feel equipped to navigate challenging times is the best part of this job. When I am not working or inside playing board games and Dungeons and Dragons I love getting obsessed with topics including history, philosophy and pop culture. Next Previous

Amanda Gregan Director of Operations | Rangatohu Mahi Rangapū About me My role is to ensure the business runs smoothly and sustainably, while seeking growth opportunities across both existing and new areas of operation. I was really drawn to the Mission of Skylight and feel privileged to support the incredible work of this invaluable service, making a meaningful difference in the lives of our young people. I enjoy walking, yoga, and reading when I'm not playing the role of taxi driver for our two very social teenage children. Next Previous

Tania Vincent Trustee About me "I’ve always volunteered. Skylight’s mission resonated with me – as a mum supporting kids is very important to me. Too many of our young people are represented in the suicide statistics. I wanted to help. I wanted to be part of something that increased the resilience of young people and built life skills. Skylight’s work with tamariki and rangatahi in their time of need is having an impact and I want to see that impact extended. We are one of the best kept secrets in Aotearoa – given our success we should have a larger national profile." With a career that spans high-level advisory and executive roles in both international and domestic environments, Tania understands the complexities of navigating public, private, and non-profit sectors. She is currently a Senior Partner at Tregaskis Brown, focusing on business strategy, business transformation, governance, supporting effective investment management decision making and organisational performance. A chartered accountant, Tania has Bachelors degrees in Accounting and History. She has a strong network of people within the public and NGO sectors and proven financial capability, reporting, programme, project management and contract management expertise. Next Previous

Explore Skylight's free articles, webinars & videos on grief, trauma, resilience & change — support for tamariki, rangatahi & whānau navigating tough times Loss and grief Trauma Relationships Mental health Neurodiversity Family change Suicide prevention Please note, we are updating our resources. New and improved articles will be added over the coming months. Resources Articles, webinars, and videos designed to support individuals, families, and communities navigating grief, trauma, and significant life changes. To request a support pack, please complete this form . Articles Explore all articles Helping Tamariki and Rangatahi Cope with Natural Disasters How to manage emotional wellbeing during a disaster Read more Bereavement at different ages and stages Age-by-age guidance to support children and young people through grief. Read more Bullying Bullying is the term used when a child or group of children keep taking advantage of the power they have, to hurt or reject someone else. Read more ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Read more Webinars Explore all webinars Practical Strategies for Self-Care and Resilience This is the third and final instalment of Skylight's webinar partnership with the Child Cancer Foundation. Watch now Parenting through Grief This resource was developed for parents who are supporting their child living with cancer, or who have lost a child to cancer. Watch now Grief 101 for Parents A basic understanding of grief and how to cope when you are grieving. Watch now The Power of Journaling Participants will be taken on a journey of positive thinking, problem solving, mindfulness and self-care. Watch now Videos Explore all videos Trevney shares his story This webisode features Trevney sharing his story of how he has survived suicide or lost a friend or whānau member to suicide – it is for rangatahi by rangatahi. The personal experiences shared in the following video may be disturbing for some viewers as he talks about suicide. Watch now Journeys Through Methamphetamine Addiction Skylight Trust with funding from The Vodafone Foundation, has produced a web series that portrays the personal stories of four individuals through their addiction to Methamphetamine. They tell of how their addiction affected them, their tamariki, rangatahi and whānau. Watch now Matty - Resilience Web Series Here’s Matty in our resilience web series. Matty explains how surrounding himself with friends and family made him a happier person. Finding people with similar goals as you allows you to work together and push each other. Matty makes the connection between physical wellbeing and resiliency. Watch now Mana - Resilience Web Series Introducing Mana who explains that having a good support system helps you to grow and get through tough times. To be resilient, Mana thinks you have to be self-aware and real with yourself and others. Watch now

If you are feeling suicidal Are you finding yourself thinking about suicide? If you are concerned about your immediate safety or the safety of someone else – Ring 111 Why do I feel like this? We all experience life in different ways, how things effect us will depend on a variety of factors such as your age, support network, emotional resilience . Some of the most difficult experiences can be: experiencing bereavement loss major life stresses (e.g. a relationship breakdown, legal or financial problems) being abused (physical, emotional or sexual) being bullied or excluded chronic pain and chronic illness (including mental illness ) unemployment alcohol and drug use. It might be that you are experiencing a combination of the above in your life that is leading you to feel overwhelmed and distressed. You might be feeling so troubled that you are unable to sleep, eat, or enjoy anything. When you are in a place where you don't think you can keep going on, your thoughts might involve wishing you were dead or you may be thinking about ending your life. You might think that your family and friends would be better off without you. You may be feeling overwhelmed by situations in your life leading to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Although you may be feeling painfully alone right now, it is important for you to know that other people have been there and have had thoughts about ending their lives too. If you think that you are at immediate risk of taking your life: call 111 and request an ambulance. Stay on the line, speak clearly, and be ready to answer the operator’s questions visit you local hospital’s emergency department call your local Public Emergency Mental Health Service or go straight to your doctor. Each of these emergency services teams are specially trained to support people in crisis, including people feeling suicidal, and are able to keep you safe. Useful Resources Connecting Through Kōrero After a suicide | After a suicide Online fact sheets are available for download on the Mental Health Foundation website . What do I do next? There are a number of services and professionals available to help you through this difficult time. There are also things you can do, to help yourself when you’re feeling distressed or overwhelmed and thinking about hurting yourself or ending your life. It is important to remember, that you are still in control of your body and your actions. With the right steps at the right time, these thoughts can, and do, go away, even if they are really full on. If you are contemplating suicide but are not thinking about harming yourself immediately, tell someone how you are feeling, even if it is hard. Talk to a close friend, whānau member, teacher or school counsellor, anyone you can trust. Call the suicide support phone lines or make an appointment with your GP/Counsellor/Mental Health Professional. It can be helpful to have a plan in place for when these thoughts come on. Samaritans - offers confidential, non religious, and non judgmental support, to anyone who may be feeling depressed lonely or even contemplating suicide. They are available 24 hours a day. Contact number 0800 726 666 Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP) Lifeline Aotearoa’s helpline and text line provides 24/7, confidential support from qualified Counsellors and trained volunteers. Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) helpline for any person who is thinking about or attempted suicide, concerned about or supporting someone else or who is recently bereaved by suicide . Need to Talk 1737 - free call or text at any time, for support from a trained Counsellor. Remember suicidal thoughts will not go away by themselves, take them and yourself seriously. With the right support you will feel better. You might also be interested in: Anxiety Suicide and rainbow communities How to build resilience Loss of health Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Loss of a pet For many people a pet is a beloved member of the family and when they die it is a significant loss. Loss of a pet — Skylight Trust For many people a pet is a beloved member of the family and when they die it is a significant loss. They could be a cat, dog, bunny, fish, or guinea pig – but we love our pets. They enrich our lives, are close companions, and in some cases, they have been with us our whole life. Whether it was from old age, illness or an accident, our pets will die eventually. When this moment comes, it is natural and expected to feel grief and sadness . In some cases, this grief can be like what we would feel if a close friend passes. When we lose a pet, our feelings can be very complicated. We may feel sadness, but we may feel other things too, such as anger, guilt, fear or one of the other responses to loss. Reactions are going to be different for each person in the family, but this loss can be particularly distressing for children - as they are likely, to have grown with their pet - or when the pet had a companionship role for someone in the family, (when they live with a mature couple after their children have moved, or when a person lives only with their pet). We may also experience sadness and anger if people don't seem to understand our loss, or they say things like, "But it's only a pet, why don't you get a new one?". We may feel guilt, like you could have done something differently, or you could have spent more time with your pet. Whatever you are feeling, it's OK to grieve the loss of your pet. Some ideas for helping you and your family to cope with the loss of your beloved pet are: Holding a ceremony such as a funeral or memorial service, can help create some closure, as it is a marker of the passing of a life of a beloved member of the family. Children can participate by decorating the burial box and you can put things inside that your pet liked or things that were important for them (like their blanket or favourite toy) Write a letter or a poem to your pet (children can make a drawing), telling them what they meant in your life. You could either read it at the memorial service or put it in the burial box for them If you are making arrangements for your pet's passing (because of their old age or a terminal illness), you can have the family present, so they can say goodbye. You can plan for them to have the best last day, full of love and treats and surrounded by family, before they pass Take some time-off as a family, to share stories and memories of your pet. This could also happen at the memorial and afterwards you could also light a candle or sing or pray Invite your children to create a memory book or board, with photos and drawings to keep as part of the family photo albums In the burial place, you could either plant a tree, a plant with beautiful flowers or put a special mark or rock, so you can remember where it is and where you and your children can visit, if you wish If you wish you could share your pet's history and photo on a pet's internet memorial website In some areas, there will be pet cemeteries and pet cremation facilities. Your local veterinary staff and funeral directors may have ideas for burial sites. How to support your children after their pet has passed? It is expected that your child may be upset with the loss of their pet, the grieving process is going to be different in each case. Some ideas for you to support them are: Explain in an age-appropriate way what happened or has to happen (in the cases when you know your pet will pass). In some cases, an experience like this will be their first experience with death, so telling them it is OK to cry or to feel sad would be helpful, as they may not understand what they are feeling Respect their timing. If you are making arrangements for your pet to pass away, you child may not want to participate or be present. Encourage them to write them a letter or make a drawing that you can offer to share or leave with the pet (if it's private) or ask them how they would wish to say goodbye, if they want to Pay attention to the days after. Children may seem quieter or withdrawn for a while. Invite them to spend time with you, so you could talk about what they are feeling, ask them what they would like to do that would make them feel better, and if possible and appropriate, do it. If at any point you have concerns about your child or someone in your family, please seek support from a mental health practitioner. You could also explore the other topics in the section for more information and ideas or contact the Resource Centre to request a support information pack. Useful links: Pet Loss Support - Pet Loss Help Coping with the loss of a pet | American Veterinary Medical Association The Stages of Grief - Dealing with Grief - Pet Grief Recovery Pet Farewells | Compassionate | pet cremation Pet Cremation NZ // Pet & Equine Burials >> Animal Cremation You might also be interested in: Bereavement at different ages and stages Bereavement Delayed grief Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Bereavement When someone close to you dies Bereavement is the term used to describe the time of sadness and loneliness experienced after the death of someone you love. Grief refers to the emotions and reactions we have and is a normal and natural response to loss. It takes time and can affect every part of us. The emotional and mental pain that is so intense, will gradually ease, even though you may not feel like it will. Grief can be so powerful, and ebbs and flows like a wave. The thoughts, feelings , and reactions you have can: come and go crash on you all at once blend into each other be brief and intense be hard to describe be scary or numbing and paralysing feel out of control or be delayed and come later. Grief is hard work and can leave you feeling exhausted. It is Ok, not to feel Ok. Everyone is different , your grief is unique to you. There is no wrong or right way to experience grief, grief has no rules or timetable, it will eventually get easier to handle. Take the time and space you need to grieve in your own way. Your loss will always be part of your life and will be triggered every now and then and it may feel like it is one step forward and two backwards. Your grief healing process isn't about fixing it, or making it disappear, it is about assisting you to adjust to all the changes in your life, by helping you to come to terms with it physically, mentally, spiritually, socially, and emotionally. Tips for managing your grief: allow yourself to cry letting it out- getting it out small bursts at a time - talk it, write it, draw it, do it physically by playing a sport connect with friends and family to share memories telling someone you trust what is going on inside you, can be a great release look after yourself - eat well, drink water, exercise, get enough sleep and be gentle on yourself. You might also be interested in: Bereavement at different ages and stages Depression How to talk to children about death Delayed grief Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Family break-up When a break up happens in the family, it can be hard on everyone, especially when there are children involved. When a family breaks up, everyone is affected. It is important to look for support for yourself and your children and teens. This can come from friends, family and whānau. It will take some adjustment to go from being a live-in family unit, to living separately, getting on as separated parents and working out mutually agreed child-care arrangements. Being partners in parenting will greatly benefit everyone involved. How parents manage a separation or divorce and how they deal with any conflicts during this time, has a big impact on how the family copes. Family break up also brings uncertainty about the future. Children and young people need the love and support from both parents, as they come to terms with the changes. They need to feel protected, safe and looked after. It is never easy making the changes to a new family routine, and sometimes it even involves moving to a new location. It can take time, and children and young people will need your support and encouragement to get used to their new life. Skylight is contracted by the Ministry of Justice to deliver the Parenting through Separation course in the Wellington region. The four hour course is run by experienced facilitators and provides a confidential space to share, learn, and feel supported — whether you are early in the separation journey or have been navigating it for a while. Link here to see the upcoming schedule. The course offers : A safe, supportive small group setting Guidance on co-parenting effectively with your ex-partner or co-carer Tools to create a workable parenting plan Insights into the Family Justice System and how to navigate it Practical resources and take-home materials A chance to connect with others in similar situations Visit the shop for publications. You might also be interested in: Anxiety How to build resilience Parenting Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Abusive relationships Partner abuse is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. What is partner abuse? Partner abuse can take different forms, and could be physical, emotional or sexual. Some signs of partner abuse are when your partner: controls the finances doesn't allow you to do things like get a job stops you seeing family, whānau and friends uses insults - like calling you lazy, fat, or stupid, or other names that make you feel bad is very jealous threatens to leave, kill, or hurt you or the children threatens or hurts family, whānau pets slaps, hits, punches, chokes, pushes, burns you or the children hurts or threatens you or the children with weapons or objects forces you into sexual acts you don't want destroys property takes away the car keys. Partner abuse is a sign of an unhealthy relationship . In an unhealthy relationship there is: lack of trust and openness one person has power over the other one person is physically, sexually and/or emotionally hurtful to the other. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship please see the organisations listed which may be able to help you. Skylight can provide counselling support to you and children or please contact the resource centre for further information. You might also be interested in: Bullying Trauma If you are feeling suicidal How to build resilience Delayed grief Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]

Delayed grief The natural grief process helps us adjust to loss. Delayed grief means the grief process hasn’t started or is stuck. This can be for a variety of reasons. Grief doesn't follow a straight line. Everyone’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint and lots of things influence how a person grieves. After a loss, some people can go through a time when the natural grief process hasn’t started for them. Or it started, but then stalled. Grief reactions can be delayed for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years. Factors that delay grief, can include: Putting it off because of pressing matters that need attention, such as supporting others (including grieving children/teens), taking care of a practical family situation, or keeping routines going Experiencing ongoing severe shock, so the person cannot take in the fact, that a loss has happened. Experiencing denial (a common early reaction), which becomes ongoing, with a person actively refusing to accept or address their loss When the unhelpful expectations and words of others, let a person know they should ‘be strong’, ‘pull themselves together,’ or ‘move on’. This can cause a person to internally shut down their grief processing When someone avoids the pain of the loss by pushing it away, or down, so it won’t intrude on their life. They often ‘keep busy’ and distracted to avoid focusing on their loss. Denying or suppressing grief reactions, can be intentional and conscious, or subconscious. Either way, it is a self-protective measure in the face of a debilitating and frightening loss. We all manage the impact of grief the best way we can. The challenge is, however, that when grief is delayed, physical health and mental health issues can sometimes emerge. For example, migraines, stomach upsets, eating problems, sleeping problems, illnesses, high levels of anxiety, intense unexpressed emotions (such as guilt or anger), disruptive outbursts, self-isolation, depression, and even suicidality. This is not surprising, when we realise that the mind and body are holding in the pain of grief and inhibiting its healthy release. It is important to note, however, that sometimes a person may not have delayed grief at all. It may be that a person simply isn’t grieving as expected. because what or who has been lost, hasn’t negatively affected them the way others assumed it would. We are all different. When the grief process has been delayed, it will typically start, or restart, in its own time and often in unexpected, unpredictable ways. It might emerge when someone experiences another loss. For example, the loss of a pet may trigger memories of a relative’s death that wasn’t grieved fully, at the time. It might be triggered by an event or item relating to the loss, such as finding an old photo, hearing music from a funeral, meeting a friend who wants to talk about someone who is not in your life anymore, or going to a place that echoes with memories. The grief might begin when things have become more settled, and a person has more time to think and reflect. Grief takes its own time. It cannot be forced. The good news is, that when delayed grief does end, the grief can still be experienced in normal and healthy ways. A person’s grief may be intense and full on for a while, just as it would have been when the loss first happened. Self-care and stress management strategies, can all be helpful. If it becomes overwhelming or hard to cope with, drawing on support networks, talking to someone trusted, joining a support group, visiting a GP, or seeing a grief counsellor, could all be helpful. If a person’s delayed grief appears to be permanent, or there are concerns about the negative effects it’s having on their well-being or health, professional assistance is indicated. This is true for children and teens, as well as adults. Seeing a GP, a counsellor or a psychologist, could assist a person to understand their delayed grief and gradually explore ways to address the loss and release their grief in helpful, healthy and healing ways. Having someone outside their usual network who can help them to take time to stop, think, and talk about the loss can make a very positive difference. You might also be interested in: Bereavement at different ages and stages How to talk to children about death Loss of job Subscribe to our newsletter Looking for more support? Get insights, tools, and stories from Skylight — and a free guide to help you get started. You can unsubscribe at any time. First name Email address* Yes, subscribe me to your newsletter. Subscribe By submitting this form, you consent and agree to Skylight Trust collecting and handling your personal information in accordance with our privacy policy . If you have any questions or wish to view or amend your information, please email us at [email protected]