Part 1: Grief and Loss, at different ages
- Maddie Barrett
- 2 hours ago
- 4 min read
Age-by-age guidance to support children and young people through grief and loss.
This 2-part series explores what grief can look like for babies, toddlers, preschoolers, primary school children, older children and teenagers. We also offer clear, age-appropriate ideas to help you support them.
Loss and grief are often unexpected, and at times, can feel quite unmanageable. It is important to remember that grief is a lot like a journey, with ups and downs. And the same goes for children.
Things to consider
The way a child or young person grieves after the death of a loved one will be influenced by several factors, including:
age,
gender,
their developmental stage,
personality,
the ways they usually react to 'big feelings’,
their relationship with the person who has died,
earlier experiences of loss or death,
family circumstances,
how others around them are grieving,
the amount of support around them.
Babies, children, and teenagers sometimes appear to not be impacted by the loss, and adults may assume that they are not grieving or processing feelings. They are, just in their own ways, which could include changes in behaviour or doing unexpected activities. Babies, children, and teenagers tend to move between grieving and seeming okay; however, they will also be looking for reassurance and comfort from their normal routines and activities.
Bereaved children and teenagers require ongoing attention, reassurance and support. It is not unusual for grief to resurface later on, even well after the death. This can happen as they move through different life milestones and develop as individuals. It is all a part of the grieving process.
Babies and toddlers
At their young age, babies and toddlers do not have the language to explain how they are feeling about death. However, they absolutely experience feelings of loss and separation and are likely to pick up on the anxiety or distress of close adults or others around them.
A note here: we use terms like death and dying as clear, simple language - not something to be avoided. Euphemisms like 'passed away' or 'lost' can create confusion, and children might think the person has gone somewhere else or can be found. Being clear helps them understand and prepares them for what’s happening.
Common behaviours can include:
Looking for the person who has died,
feeling irritable,
crying more often and more easily,
wanting to be held more, clingy,
being less active,
becoming quiet, less responsive,
possible weight loss,
feeling jumpy or anxious,
feeling fretful, distressed,
regression in toileting and sleeping.
These are all understandable behaviours, so what can you do to help?
How to help them:
Keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible
Offer comfort on their terms; hold and cuddle them more
Speak calmly and gently to them – and remain calm yourself
Provide comfort items, such as a cuddly toy, a special blanket, etc.
Counselling or therapy may also be a good option for your child to better understand their feelings as they learn to manage grief. If this sounds like something you want to explore, contact us today.
Preschoolers
At this age, children find it hard to understand that death is permanent. They are also at a life stage of strong imaginary thinking. For example, thinking someone will come alive again or thinking that they somehow made someone die.
They do understand separation, and will often feel insecure and frightened when the familiar things around them change. This age group needs a lot of reassurance that they will continue to be safe and looked after.
Common reactions can include:
Looking for the person who has died,
dreams, or sensing the presence of the person who has died,
fearfulness, anxiety,
clinginess,
fretful, distressed,
irritable, more tantrums,
withdrawal, quiet, lack of responses,
changes in eating,
difficulty sleeping,
toileting problems, bed wetting, soiling,
regressing in progress, e.g. returning to crawling, wanting a bottle
How to help them:
Keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible
Validate how they feel, tell them you know they are sad, and start to teach them to use words that describe feelings
Tell them they are safe, and have someone who is looking after them
Reduce separation from them as much as possible
Comfort them with hugs, cuddles, holding their hand, and by encouraging them
Speak calmly and gently to them – and be calm around them
Explain death as part of life, so they come to understand it bit by bit. Using some examples in nature may be helpful, such as watching plants grow, bloom and die,
Provide comfort items, such as a cuddly toy, a special blanket, etc.
Encourage play – children often can use play to help them process what’s happened, e.g. sand play, puppets, dolls, writing, drawing, painting and different physical activities
Navigating grief and loss can be a tough journey for anyone, and helping toddlers and children navigate it can feel impossible. However, with a strong support network and the right tools, it will feel more achievable. There are always resources available, and Skylight offers one-on-one counselling and Matika, our group therapy programme. If this sounds like something you'd like to learn more about;
