Part 2: Grief and Loss, at different ages
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- 51 minutes ago
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Age-by-age guidance to support children and young people through grief and loss.
This 2-part series explores what grief can look like for babies, toddlers, preschoolers, primary school children, older children and teenagers. We also offer clear, age-appropriate ideas to help you support them.
In Part 1, we explored how babies, children, and teenagers sometimes appear to not be impacted by the loss, even when they are grieving or processing feelings. Babies, children, and teenagers tend to move between grieving and seeming okay; however, they will also be looking for reassurance and comfort from their normal routines and activities. Part 2 looks at primary school-aged children and up.
Loss and grief are often unexpected, and at times, can feel quite unmanageable. It is important to remember that grief is a lot like a journey, with ups and downs. And the same goes for children.
Things to consider
The way a child or young person grieves after the death of a loved one will be influenced by several factors, including:
age,
gender,
their developmental stage,
personality,
the ways they usually react to 'big feelings’,
their relationship with the person who has died,
earlier experiences of loss or death,
family circumstances,
how others around them are grieving,
the amount of support around them.
Primary school children
Primary school children are still learning to understand death and may have some confusion about it. They may think death is temporary, or that the person who has died may still feel things, such as feeling cold, hungry, or lonely etc. They may ask where the person is now, and have blunt questions to ask about what happened to the person and to their body. Explaining death to them is very important. Especially using clear language, rather than euphemisms.
Common reactions can include:
Looking for the person who has died,
dreams, or sensing the presence of the person who has died
blaming themselves for the death
easily distracted, forgetful
anxious – increased fears e.g. of the dark, of personal safety
clinginess – wants to be near you or others
withdrawal, quiet, lack of responses
fretful, distressed, not wanting to go to school
feeling embarrassment or feeling different from others
concealment of their loss
physical complaints, such as tummy ache, headaches, body aches,
irritable, more tantrums, defiant, or developing antisocial or aggressive behaviour
changes in eating or sleeping habits
toileting problems, bed wetting, soiling
These sorts of behaviours can feel quite confusing, for both you and your child. But there are ways to assist their grieving process.
How to help them:
Frequently reassure them that they are safe, and that someone is looking after them
Keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible
Tell them you know they are sad – and encourage words that describe feelings
Reduce separation from them as much as possible
Allow curious questions and provide honest answers
Comfort them with hugs, cuddles, holding their hand, and encouragment
Speak calmly and gently to them – and be calm around them
Explain death as part of life, so they can understand it bit by bit. Using some examples in nature may be helpful, such as watching plants grow, bloom and die,
Let them help with planning the funeral or another ritual to remember the loss
Provide comfort items, such as a cuddly toy, a special blanket, etc.
Encourage play –children often use play to help them process what’s happened, e.g. sand play, puppets, dolls, writing, drawing, painting and different physical activities.
Older children 10-12
All of the above behaviours and suggestions relate to this age group, but it’s important to be aware that by this age, children understand that death is final. They are also more aware of how adults and others around them are reacting to death.
This group may also:
be especially anxious about the safety of family and friends, and themselves,
may try very hard to please adults and not worry them, and then not let themselves grieve,
feel stronger emotional reactions, such as anger, guilt, a sense of rejection,
want to take on more adult responsibilities, and try very hard to please,
feel embarrassment – feel different from peers –
conceal their loss from friends
become more focused on what’s happened and ask questions, think about it a lot, have dreams about it, and perhaps want to talk about it often to others
They need all of the help in the previous section, plus:
time to talk with you and other trusted adults when they need to,
regular reassurance – spoken, and with encouraging physical touch (such as hugs, pat on the back, etc.),
honesty about related events (like funerals) and feelings,
to know you understand their grief,
regular encouragement,
avoid expectations of adult behaviour – allow them to be the age they are.
Teenagers
By adolescence, death is accepted as part of life, but it may not have affected a teenager personally yet. Their reactions may fluctuate between earlier age group reactions and reactions that are more adult-adjacent. They will likely want to be with friends more than family as they seek support. They may find the intensity of emotion overwhelming or scary and not be able to find the words or ways to talk about them with others. They may want to feel like they’re coping, and be seen as doing that, but inside be hurting a great deal, or be putting their emotions on a shelf for a later time. Death can impact teenagers a lot, and some may react with risk-taking behaviour to escape the feelings and reality. For example, drinking, drugs, sexual contact, or reckless driving.
Common reactions can include:
easily distracted, forgetful,
difficulty concentrating at school,
unsettled in class, change in class performance, not wanting to go to school,
overwhelmed by intense reactions, such as anger, guilt, fear,
difficulty expressing the intensity of their emotions, or a conflict of emotions
blame towards themselves for the death,
anxious – increased fears about of other’s safety, and their own,
have questions or concerns about death, dying, mortality,
dreams, or sensing the presence of the person who has died,
wants to be with family or friends more,
social withdrawal,
physical complaints, such as tummy ache, headaches, aching,
irritable, defiant, more antisocial or aggressive behaviour,
risk-taking behaviour for escape or comfort,
changes in eating or sleeping habits,
jokes or humour to mask feelings,
saying or acting like they don’t care,
wanting to take on more adult responsibilities, trying very hard to please,
strained relationships with others – fear or awkwardness about being close to others,
feeling embarrassment – feeling different from peers – may conceal their loss,
increased loneliness,
reduced self-image, lower self esteem,
possible suicidal thoughts,
possible move from sadness into depression.
How to help them:
be honest and let them know exactly what is happening,
be willing to listen, and available to talk with about whatever they need to talk about
acknowledge the emotions they may be feeling (fear, sadness, anger ,etc.)
for you, or other adults, to share personal feelings regarding the loss
frequently reassure them they are safe, have someone caring for them, and have access to adults they can trust for further support
keep routines and normal activities going as much as possible
talk to them about grief – what it is, that it’s normal, that everyone manages differently,
avoid expectations of adult behaviour – allow them to be the age and stage they are
encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings - give them ideas of things they could try, such as do physical activities, write, sing, listen to music, talk with friends, read, etc.
speak calmly and gently to them – and be calm around them,
talk about death together, answer any questions they may have,
Encourage assistance in planning the funeral or something else to remember their loss.
Conclusion
Bereaved children and teens will need ongoing attention, reassurance and support. It is not unusual for grief to resurface later on, even well after the death. This can happen as they move through different life milestones and develop as individuals. As they get older, they will gain new perspectives and can often have questions about what happened.
At any point, if you are concerned about any extreme reactions, or if you think the young person may have become depressed, contact your doctor or other trained adviser, such as a counsellor, senior staff from their school, social worker, community or youth worker or a local family support agency.
Skylight offers age-appropriate counselling and grief resources if you or someone you know is struggling with grief.
