When a Pet Dies - Talking to tamariki about loss

Pets hold a special place as part of our whānau. Whether it's a dog who greets you at the door every afternoon, a cat who curls up on the bed, or a goldfish faithfully circling its bowl, for many tamariki, a pet is one of their closest companions. So, when that animal dies, the loss can feel enormous.

At Skylight, we know that everyone's grief journey looks different. Losing a pet can be deeply felt across the whole whānau — adults included. Whether you're supporting a grieving child or carrying your own sense of loss, those feelings are valid and deserve to be acknowledged.

Every grief journey is different

Benjamin Jensen, one of Skylight's counsellors, was recently interviewed on RNZ's First Up about how to support children through the death of a pet. He noted that for some tamariki, the loss of a pet can be as significant as any other bereavement experience, sometimes even overshadowing other things happening in their lives.

This is a good reminder that we shouldn't minimise what children are feeling. The relationship was real, the love was real, and so is the grief.

What can whānau do to help?

The most important thing is to make space for the feelings, without rushing to fix them.

For younger tamariki especially, feelings might come out in unexpected ways. Anger, outbursts, clinginess, or disruptive behaviour can all be expressions of grief sitting just below the surface — what Claire Laurenson, Founder of Grief Relief NZ Aotearoa describes as the tip of the iceberg.

Some things that can help:

• Name the feelings. Younger children may not have the words yet. Gently naming what they might be experiencing — "It sounds like you're really missing her" — can help them feel understood.

• Be honest. Tamariki know when something doesn't feel right. Using clear, age-appropriate language about death is kinder than vague explanations that may cause more confusion.

• Involve them in rituals. Whether it's burying a pet in the garden, creating a small memorial, or drawing a picture — participating in a process of farewell can be genuinely healing.

• Make space for creativity. Grief doesn't only come out in tears. Some children will want to paint, make something, or write a story. Follow their lead.

• Keep routines consistent. Familiarity and structure provide safety for children who are grieving. Friendships, school, and everyday rhythms matter.

It doesn't have to be a perfect conversation

Benjamin also offered some reassurance for parents and caregivers who worry about saying the wrong thing; these are ongoing conversations, not one-off moments. If something doesn't land quite right, you can always come back to it.

The willingness to engage rather than avoid the topic is what matters most. Don’t force them to talk before they are ready and offer the conversations as an initiation to share and discuss.

Sometimes the loss of a pet becomes a tamaiti's first real encounter with mortality. That can feel like a heavy conversation to have. But approached with warmth, honesty, and a willingness to sit with the discomfort, it can also become a meaningful opportunity to build their understanding and resilience around loss, something that will serve them throughout their lives.

We're here to help

At Skylight, supporting tamariki, rangatahi, and whānau through grief, loss, and change is at the heart of what we do.

Contact us.